stated detective McGillicutty, "but when we dredged the East River, we found this t-shirt covered in barnacles."
Chief Smitty snorted. "What sort of fool would cover a t-shirt in multiple-printed barnacles?"
"I don't know, sir, but I do know that they never wore it. The yarn samples we sent to the lab for testing came back negative for DNA of any sort."
"Well that's a relief, at least. It would have been a crime for anyone to wear such a terrifying specimen."
"I agree. And I hope the culprits learned a lesson from it. Next time they'll be a little smarter and use just one or two fabrics."
"Or at least they'll apply the barnacles in a more orderly fashion. A single row around the neckline may have kept the shirt within legal limits."
"If we catch the perps, let's be sure to teach them a lesson. Barnacles should never be used on clothing."
"Yep. Article 4, Section 38. It's a federal crime."
[cue music: ba-bummmmmmmm]